Thu, 15 October 2015
Dave starts out by insisting we shouldn’t go on tangents then tenderly holds our hands as he hurls us down a Destiny/Nerd Paraphernalia/Youtube celebrity rabbit hole that lasts about 12 minutes. Then its a very Mason episode, Mason Mason Mason!!! How shall we describe all the Mason? Mason is, in his very special Mason way, being very Mason about everything. We get to hear his voice mail message, which is also his Twitter bio.
Mason is practically begging Amanda to crush his skull, bringing up the Baby Carl and her new life with Jack and then being all creepy-salacious about Amanda and Emily’s time in juvie. Mason this is not 1890 and you are not writing for the New York Journal, if you want to ask them if they dated go ahead, no need to go all yellow press on it and use the word "Sapphic".
I prove that I forgot everything I learned in law school yet again by talking about “common carrier” laws instead of an innkeeper’s duty to accommodate. I guess maybe it was just the commm that confused me but seriously, don’t go to law school kids, its a debt factory! ANYWAY rich people are rich, Nolan is adorbs, Amanda is murderous, and Emily is just barely keeping the circus together.
Emily decides Aiden has suffered through enough chest punching and has performed sufficient extracurricular penance that he is now eligible for smooches. He does seem pretty contrite but he also does seem pretty boring-handsome. Although god, not anywhere close to the most boring-handsome dude that will grace the cast of Revenge. Whats-his-face from season 4, I’m (not) looking at you. God your face is boring, I’m sorry but I can’t help it, your face is so boring!! Even though it is also handsome. But more importantly it is boring. Also bonus feature - Dave doing a ‘Scandinavian’ accent and being super pleased with it while he pretends to know what Borgen is.
Sat, 10 October 2015
We’re back, hi everyone! Thanks for tuning into our very special favorite passtime the REVENGECAST SPAZCAST PODCAST broadcast. Victoria and Conrad are getting re-married!!! And Conrad is getting framed for the only murder he didn’t commit and/or abet! I run out of words to describe how pretty Victoria is in her wedding pearls and Dave hashes out the entire plot of Demolition Man to me. Sounds pretty ok except for the whole culture wars political correctness panic premise.
Aiden is trying to get Emily to be ok with him again, but even though they shared that most intimate of moments--the thing where one person anime-flails on the other person's chest while crying--she apparently still needs more time. Mason is being remarkably Mason but believes, for now, that Fauxmanda is Amanda but Amanda makes sure Emily understands that she will 100% Frank Mason if he comes at her family again, and Baby Carl will be there to help roll the body into the ditch. He needs to learn to protect himself in preparation for blossoming into the beautiful juvie girl we all know him to be in his heart. In other goings on at the Stow Away, Creepy-Handsome Toothy Man is harassing Declan about sex and just being generally creepy and toothy in his stupid polos and dockers. How does Nolan make that preppy shit look so good?? Its so ugly on other people.
Speaking of Nolan, Nolan is crashing the Grayson’s rewedding--okay, technically he was invited but then Emily’s technically ordered him not to go unless he wanted to technically suffer the loss of his technical ability to breathe through his throat, nose, and mouth--but seriously Conrad gets hauled away in handcuffs during the first dance with Victoria so thats really something you want to see live rather than via Clam Cam. Victoria is so extremely happy as Conrad gets arrested that she gives us the first creepy smile of the season (?! is this possible? I don’t remember any others though) but she still sleeps with the mother-of-pearl-inlaid, monogramed 22 revolver he got her as a wedding present under her pillow. Awwwwwwww, she hates him so tenderly sometimes. We are pretty rough on babies in this episode, but to be fair they don’t understand words so who cares, but even if they did they apparently poop in peoples mouths (?!) so fuck those guys anyway.